march 24 - 04.04.24

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hey lucah how’s it going?

hi! Hey! It’s going good how are you? March has been. I’d like to say it’s been better than it has worse, even though that’s the case, it hasn’t been feeling great always. But that’s okay y’know? I’ve been a bit frantic due to (gestures vaguely) symptoms and neurosises but I feel better being on the other side even if it’s still kinda happening. I’m always trying to fix stuff internally and externally so when things feel just a little off I can’t relax until I’ve figured out how to approach it. Most of this manifests as just going crazy over things that only matter a little bit to me, something that’s practically nothing. It feels a little silly looking back, as it always does. So, warning:

wee woo wee woo this is mostly just self speculative nonsense wee woo

Things have been a bit lonely lately, even though I’ve been seeing people sporadically, I think I want to do it more so than I have been. I’d like to prioritise that because it’s always something that fills my cup. Going outside, too? I haven’t been doing much of that unless it’s for a purpose, and I feel I haven't been siezing the opportunity to explore the city as much as I'd like.

The weather has been nice. Cold spots here and there, but I’m enjoying the cold this time around. Summer has been long.

Anyway. I’m not sure if this format of monthly review will be one that I stick with, but it’s been a while since I’ve had the motivation to make something bigger than a writchal entry so I’m gonna roll with it. Originally I had some things written here on disability, but I don’t know if it’s anything - or just simply too personal so I’ve cut it for now. It’s on the list to make some larger works regarding my feelings with that. I’m still figuring out what I want to do with blogging, so for now this is here.

hobbies

Hey so! I’ve been getting into some new hobbies. Creative things that I won’t talk about in particular so I don’t risk setting any expectations. But hopefully sometime this year, maybe in the next few months I’ll have something to show. It’s been fun but I’m currently in the learning-how-to-work-with phases and not yet the learning-how-to-express-with phases. Learning is a really rewarding thing that’s inherent to most hobbies, and for myself, I think is really important to incorporate into routine. I worry cramming complex hobbies that require time and effort on top of school isn’t a good idea but. Hm. There is no but.

Even though I’ve been so excited to start new things and make stuff, there’s been this ambient anxiety around everything lately. I don't fall out of love with things often, I just forget they exist, and then the fear is always forgetting all the things I love. So I stress about stretching myself over the control panel to make sure all the buttons are pressed. I have definitely not been resting enough.

And that’s the kicker isn’t it, you want to pour everything into the things you love until you can’t anymore and oh god I need to clean and study and eat and read and just get by and do something FUN aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (that’s me yellin). And the stuff you do isn’t going to be fun or fulfilling or insightful because you’re just stressing about cramming it in. This all feels so silly, I kind of wish my worries were more outside of me.

It’s difficult contending with the understanding that I do things I want to, not because I have to but because I. Want to. This is getting up in the morning, cooking, cleaning, hobbies, whatever. All the while my brain is wired in such a way that deciding what I want to do and feeling motivated is incredibly difficult most of the time. I don’t just want to rot! I want to be alive! So I have to do things I want to do, even if the thing I use to carry my motivations is full of holes. Is that anything? Something something it was my intent for that to be unreadable, depicting descent into madness etc etc

(So) unfortunately things require rest, and space, and you can’t be expecting to trend up all the time because it always eventually just plateaus if you keep going and going. It’s something I always have to relearn, unfortunately - being chronically ill, energy is so variable and it’s easy to lose track of the things I need to keep track of: to be a baseline alive human person. Going forward I’m trying to actively schedule rest days, where I have nothing on. Or something scheduled that is relaxing - going out for drinks, watching a movie, something that isn’t just perpetuating a cycle of rot in my gay ass apartment. I’m yet unsure if I need to deprioritise my relationship to focus-heavy hobbies to move forward at the moment. It’s all learning all the time and relearning and figuring out how to be at peace. (Woo woo!) Hopefully I do not forget this with time.

How very human is it to get so swallowed up by such granular silly things. As I’m writing this there’s two weeks of school holiday coming up, so I’m going to put this into practice and catch up on some hobbies and see friends and do a fat load of nothing. Also see birds.

art

I’ve been thinking a lot about energy and hobbies and making. I think amongst prioritising rest, I want to acknowledge the itch I’ve been feeling, wanting to continue to grow as an artist. I’ve really been enjoying Writchal, I’ve fallen in love with writing, it’s so fun and I appreciate how much I’ve developed alongside it. It’s a habit I think I’ll keep, but I want to make new shit!!! I really like the constraints and skill that it takes to work with any given medium (constraints breed creativity!!). But the focus that comes with staying on one thing loses some freedom to express in certain ways. There are so many facets and applications and styles to writing, but my goal overall is not to improve, it’s expression.

All of this to say - I want to try experimenting with different mediums alongside writing. Get some multimedia stuff going. More blog posts. Vague development on hobbies I mentioned before. I am hesitant to state any concrete goals publically, so for now I will just state the feeling. Small and experimental, just for fun - maybe I will post things here soon. I purposefully haven’t set any specific parameters apart from “make something different”, I trust I’ll gravitate to the things I love. Pushing myself while trying to be better about rest is something that’ll require care to negotiate. I did something last year where I tried to make something in a different medium each month with some success. I hope this time around I can be better at resting and being and doing.

the end bit

Thank you for reading. I am looking forward to April.

As I’m writing this I have plans to slowly overhaul the website, so that’ll be happening over the next while.

Anyway shoutout Writchal group! I'm really happy to be along for the ride. I wasn't sure when I joined that it'd be something I stuck with, letalone that I'd enjoy the things I've made, but here we are. Even though I haven’t been super engaged beyond the writing part, I really appreciate online friendship and community. It’s pretty wonderful. Though I miss the presence of passive engagement with social media or being in the same physical space (that comes with not-online friendships), I enjoy the intentionality that you need to keep in touch. I think this is just adult friendships, actually. But then again, that passive engagement comes a little bit through checking out people's websites every now and then. And that's pretty cool. I’ve gained a lot of friends online over the years and I’ve lost touch with a lot, too. For now I’m glad I’m here. A formal apology to everybody out there because I text so autistic.

I wasn’t sure about posting about this originally, I’m not sure if I still am (but you’re seeing this so I guess you know what I decided on). I was talking to Will about how it feels a bit silly writing about stuff that only maybe matters to you, worrying that whatever’s going on now might be objectively boring. He told me how he missed the Aldi close by at our old place, the rotating stock in the center of the store, the prices, how easy it was to get to. He pointed out the massive window that takes up nearly the entire back wall of our now-apartment. How the light comes in, the thin span of trees covering the space between immediate next door, that we’re lucky enough to see birds pass by throughout the day. That’s pretty wonderful, and we don’t remind ourselves always. Cahatstrophe has a lovely blog post about blogging that has also given me some inspiration. Even though I’ve been complaining a lot: it all seems very mundane; but one day; you’ll miss it; when you see the photos.